counteract (counterheist) wrote in love_and_pens,

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Fic: Holy Roman Empire, Spainman!

Title: Holy Roman Empire, Spainman!
Rating: PG(-13 for Romin's filthy and unheroic vocabulary)
Characters/Pairings: Spain, Romano, HRE
Warnings: superhero AU event!, shenanigans, parody, Romano
Word Count: 627
Disclaimer: The following is a work of parody. I claim no rights to Axis Powers Hetalia or the Batman franchise.
Summary: When the Hectic Rapscallion Empire tries to take over the world, or something like that, Spainman and Romin are there to stop him!

The city lights twinkled. The stars above followed suit. The sparks emitted from the Ultimate Death Ray of Death were more vicious than the Twinkling Council liked its constituents to be, but the passionate particles of wonder that crackled in the air around Spainman made up for them completely. Spainman paid them no attention: he was used to it. “Unhand my henchman, villain,” he pointed, “and let him go too!”

“I’m not a villain,” the Hectic Rapscallion Empire shouted. His young voice cracked in the middle of his protest and Spainman winced in sympathy. Even though the Hectic Rapscallion Empire was a foe, Spainman had been young once as well. He remembered how strange and awkward that time had been.

Still, HRE had taken Romin hostage. Without even asking first! Spainman might have said “yes, that’s fine, it would be good to get him out of the house once in a while for some fresh air and so I can rebuild the Invincible Cave of Invincibility since Romin destroyed it with the Medimobile again last Tuesday,” if the Hectic Rapscallion Empire had asked, except he hadn’t.

And that wasn’t very nice.

“Fu-so-so-so-SO-SO-SO PUNCH!”

On the sidelines, tied to a convenient oak tree, Romin gasped. “Holy Roman Empire, Spainman! Why the fuck did you pick that technique you moron?! Hit him with your stupid Turtle Technique, or don’t you even care that he fucking kidnapped me!?”

Spainman ducked a blast from Hectic Rapscallion Empire’s Ultimate Death Ray of Death and kicked him in his ridiculously oversized and not very practical at all hat. “Not now Romin! Boss is busy freeing you!”

Hectic Rapscallion Empire clutched his hat in indignation. “Fight me seriously!”

Romin watched in frustration as Spainman stopped in his tracks. Stupid bastard still didn’t know how to take a Bluster Attack without falling all over himself in a buhyooing stupor. “Fuck this shit,” he bellowed, “Sicilian Escape Technique When Death Is On The Line!”

“Who said anything about death?”


“Now you’re going to get it, you dumb-hatted shitface!” Romin shouted, once he’d slipped out of his ropes. He then realized that the Ultimate Death Ray of Death was quite a bit larger and scarier than the view from the convenient oak tree had made it appear. “…because Spainman is going to beat you up! Go and do it Spainman!”


Romin had not expected this, even though he really should have; the Hectic Rapscallion Empire had been blushing and everything when he had Blustered at Spainman. His voice had cracked again, as well, which had been quite the artistic touch. But where the Hectic Rapscallion Empire had a good attack, Romin had years of experience in snapping Spainman out of his moods. Accordingly, Romin headbutted Spainman in the gut. “Attack him or else!”

Spainman blinked. “…buhyoo?”

Romin stepped on Spainman’s foot.

“Buhy—ouch!” Spainman shook his head. The sparkles twirled accordingly, and in no time at all the world righted itself. “Thanks Romin, Boss is really grateful!” He gave his henchman a Cheer Up Charm, which Romin had secretly dubbed The Scary Hug That Makes Me Cry years earlier. “I won’t let your tricks get to me again, Hectic Rapscallion Empire! It’s time to end this.”

He drew in all of his strength.

Hectic Rapscallion Empire prepared to fire the Ultimate Death Ray of Death one last time.

Romin began to wonder if he could cut it as a superhero on his own, or if he would need to team up with his pathetic younger brother.


“Nooooooo!” the Hectic Rapscallion Empire cried, dropping his Ultimate Death Ray of Death, and sank to the muddy ground. “This hat lets all the rain in!”

He had been vanquished.

AN: Born from a conversation with shiny_glor_chan. I have no regrets. It’s Batman and Robin, but Spain and Romano style. Did I mention how I have no regrets? Oh, and Romano here was supposed to be minimano, but when I reread it as though it were adultmano it had an extra dimension of hilarity so that works too.

Also: It’s still April 30th in my time zone! This counts!

Double Also: I initially wanted to do a drabble about Liechtenstein, and how her superpower was omnipotence she was fully aware of and hated. I might edit that onto here later, time permitting.
Tags: april: au superpowers, event, s. italy, spain

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